transmittable

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I don't particularly mind, and it isn't as though I have anything better to do at this hour.

alright then. lay it on me. what's got you bugged about friendship here that you weren't before?

This entire experience has been strange for me. I usually only feel pleasure in interacting with people when I'm making them suffer, and I still appreciate the group's suffering and seeing people receive what they deserve. Gant was particularly satisfying, but all of the victims so far have deserved everything that happened to them, as well as the culprits. So that much hasn't changed any.

But the longer I spend with the group, the more it becomes clear that some of them actually care about my well-being - not for any specific reason or another, but just through general compassion - and they want to be friends with me and treat me well just for its own sake. It's not something I'm accustomed to, nor is it something I know what to do with.

I also don't feel anything toward them myself, outside of perhaps liking the attention, which is striking me strangely.

...It reminds me a bit of what happened after one of Umbrella's founders died. I killed him on my mentor's orders and made it look like an accident. I was also expected to attend his funeral, seeing as he was one of my former employers. Even though I didn't feel any guilt for what I had done, it's one of the only times that I've been very intensely aware that I should be feeling anything at all and simply wasn't.

It's unpleasant. I'm not sure how else to explain it.

[ There is some of this that is very yikes but you know, they're on text for a reason. ]

so you're confused over why or how any of them could have some affection for you, and it's drawing attention to a difference between you and everyone else that you aren't keen on dwelling on.

is there any part of you that wants to feel something towards them? or is that something you're unsure of?

There isn't.

The absence of it is noticeable, and I dislike experiencing it. But forming bonds like that in a place like this seems detrimental.

I would rather be inconvenienced than compromised.

better alive and unhappy than dead and satisfied. right?

I wouldn't be satisfied even if I was able to experience something like that. The affection of humans doesn't count for much.

what about inspiring? you said before he was different.

Please. He'll stop caring the second he finds out about anything I've done.

[ ... ]

i don't know. he seems different.

What makes you say that?

he seems accepting. he seems like the kind of person who knows what it's like to make hard choices.

I'm aware of that much. But there are some things that are unacceptable if you're at all approaching being a decent person.

I told you when we first arrived here that I was tasked with saving the world. I'm "saving" it by way of an orchestrated apocalypse.

There are less than four thousand people still alive. Not just in the States, not just in North America. That's a global tally of the world's current population. Over seven billion people are dead - because I personally chose to have them killed, and because I've chosen to continue to allow them to die over the past ten years.

And really, my own motivation for doing so isn't that of my mentor's. He's saving the world. I want to see it destroyed.

Do you truly think that Inspiring will forgive that?

[ This would be the time for another "holy shit," though it doesn't feel the place for it. She at least mutters it out loud. ]

i think he'll ask you why you want that, and be firm about that.

i think he won't want to judge you until he knows everything.

that's just the kind of person he is.

He also seems unable to comprehend that some people are just like this. Constantly seeking out the good in people is a pointless endeavor, simply because sometimes there isn't any.

he's been through more years than you or i combined. don't you think his perspective counts for something?

[...]

Why are you arguing this so thoroughly?

[ ... ]

i don't really know. thinking about him just makes me think about these kinds of things.

also i guess for some inexplicable reason i DO like talking to you, so you know.

...I don't see how that's connected, but I'll bear that in mind.

[...you. you tried.]

[ this has been attempts at feelings with wesker, thank you for playing ]

that's good enough for now.

I thought it might be.

For what it's worth, I do appreciate the conversation from time to time, if nothing else.

who knew morbid talks in the middle of the night could be so enjoyable, huh?

In fairness, the discussion was far less Romero-influenced than it could have been tonight.

and for that i thank you, good sir.

Don't worry, I'm sure I'll come up with some sort of horrible topic to discuss with you over the coming few days.

Until then, however, I'll leave you be.

(no subject)

transmittable - 2017-06-29 05:49 (UTC) - Expand

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